Confessions No. 4: Almost Ruined It

I felt I was on cloud nine, until this very moment I share to you my glee.

As usual, the day started with me arguing with Sonny and condemning the "panunukso sa amin" of my office mates, of I denying their so-so "accusations" of us being sweethearts. Of course, Sonny and I weren't sweethearts. We just kiss...and hug...and stare at each other...but there was no strings attached (but I was hoping there'll be. I guess I am falling already. Damn...I was just playing around, but his special attention towards me caught me).

After lunch, Sonny and I were working on a paper. I was on my serious tone, "if you want this image to seem like real when you e-mail it, I can do that for you."
"The turn out will surely be as beautiful as its creator." said he with that look that flirty look (which when he always do, it creates goosebumps on my nape).
"Babanat ka na naman, baka banatan na kita jan," I quoted. He laughed and had his hand quickly drive through my inner thigh, then he stood and moved to his cubicle. I didn't know if I would be mad or what. All I did was to pop my eyes off its sockets.

Afterwards and about few ticks of the clock later, my officemate took over my computer just to play games. I was left with no choice but to stay in Sonny's cubicle. Besides, I wanted to have some sleep since I barely had sleep for the past two days.

Slumber almost took over my entity when I felt someone was pushing something on my face. When I opened my eyes, I saw Sonny was about to kiss me, which I let him did. Few smacks and he went back to his table and let me lounge on the sofa in front of his table.

As expected, I can't catch a sleep again.I was thinking of Sonny. I was thinking that I already feel something for him, but I shouldn't since I am in a relationship and I know that people with the same status and profile like Sonny only sees me as their plaything, that if I fall, he will leave me behind in tears, that it is impossible for him to fall on his plaything, as I am a weak, dirty mouthed "kontra bida" of everyone's lives.

Minutes later:
Sonny: Cath, bakit malabo yug ginawa natin?
Cath: Ha? Tingin? (I went beside him and looked at the computer monitor)
Sonny: Look, the seal is gone.
Cath: It's there. I guess the contrast setting of your monitor is the problem.

I lunged to his monitor. I was in his front. And while looking for the buttons, he, to my surprise, fondled my right breast. All I said in my surprise was a sweet "gago". Then he stopped.

But I can't help myself. I frequented his table to give him a back rub, to hug him, or let him hug me. There were few times that we talk about sensible things but oftentimes he hears me badmouth my colleagues because they, clueless of the scandals inside Sonny's cubicle, were making "tukso" of me and Sonny, and I don't want Sonny or my colleagues have a hint of what I really feel.


"Oi, tama na...baka umiyak si Cath ha," Sonny said with a grin.
"uuuuuuuuuyyyyy!" my colleagues with kilig exclaimed in chorus.
"At bakit? Ano naman sa iyo kung umiyak ako?" I replied.
"halaaaaaaa!" the chorus said.
I didn't see what he did, but one of my colleagues said Sonny was making a "kilig" face then he laughed and quoted "parang naaasiman lang".

5:00 p.m.
He was about to go. "Uuwi na ako Catherine."
"Ok," I said.
He whispered, "pengeng isa..." and then he smooched my lips. I was watching him do it, and saw he was into it as he just did it with his eyes closed. But too bad, while kissing, it felt like a scouring pad was scrubbing my tender lips. After the kiss I giggled and whispered, "sakit ha."

"Alis na ako," he said. I took his hand and we kissed again. This time, I closed my eyes. After the smooch, I embraced him and was about to say "I love you", but I got back to my feet and hastily stopped myself from uttering those words.

Then he left. He bid my officemates goodbye, except for me.

"Gagong yun, hindi nagpaalam sa akin ng malakas. Dati naman ginagawa niya yun, " I thought.

Geez. I almost told Sonny that I love him. The truth is I do not really know if I love him or not. I want him to be always within my sight, but I cannot glare straight at him.I love making a fight with him, I love it when he kisses me, but I hate it when he looks at me.  I know it is love I feel for my boyfriend since I am willing to sacrifice and do everything to please him, but Sonny is a different story. It feels like I just want him, but there are "BUT's".

Besides, I strongly believe this thing between us is only a game to him, as he was not saying anything to erase this idea in my head.