Confession No. 2: Deep Thoughts at the Christmas Party

1:00 p.m., December 12. I was at our office's Christmas Party. "Sonny", the guy in Confession No. 1, was there too. I was wearing this black and white little dress. As I walked through the hall, I notice him staring at me. With a smile, he greeted that I looked good in the dress.Without a word, I smiled.

During the party I walked in and out of the hall, to and fro the empty room beside the hall, subconsciously hoping that he would follow me. Thoughts were running on my head. I didn't know what to do if he nabbed me from behind and kissed me again --- shall I slap him or kiss him back, if he would caress my skin and hold me in the parts I never thought he would touch --- shall I scream or give in, if I would once more hear his breath and heartbeat --- shall I fall to this prey or not, or are we going to do bang each other --- the first time I'll do it with another man other than my boyfriend.

"But why am I thinking of these things? I already have a boyfriend, and it is his birthday today?!" I told myself.

3:00 p.m., the party got a visitor. Marie, the former secretary of the office where I am working now, gave a visit. My colleagues introduced her to Sonny. Geez, I felt I am turning red with jealousy as the two talked and laughed.

"Jealous? Why should I? I got a boy with me. I am happy with him, and I have nothing to do with Sonny, anyway. Besides, I am just flirting with Sonny. He only plays a game with me. He's a lawyer. That's what every unattached lawyers do"

After an hour, Marie left. I felt relief. Again, Sonny's eyes seemed to be fixated to me. Yeah baby, look at me, only at me!

Hours passed. Nothing happened. My trips to the empty room were useless. He wasn't following me.

Three hours to go before the party ends. I took my drinks to the empty room and drank them all there. Alas, Sonny entered the room. As he saw me drinking, he locked the door. I felt my heart beat like a raging drum. I stood and walked through the dark cubicle within the empty room.

"What are you doing?" He asked, walking towards me.
"Drinking and texting," I replied.
He gently held my arms towards him, "Can I have another kiss?"
I was speechless. I don't know what to do. I covered my face, he kissed my neck and had his left hand fondle my breasts.
"I don't want to kiss you," with trembling voice I protested. I was surprised why I said that. He glared at me upon hearing my words. "I don't want to hold a grudge on you one day."

"Well then," he said, "just give me a hug."
He wrapped me in his arms. I felt warmth, but I didn't embrace him back. Only then I felt scared. He one more kissed my neck, and tried to have his lips land on mine. I refused.

I faked a cry, "you are just playing games on me, Sonny. You are playing with me". He stopped and let me go. "Why did you say that? I am not playing with you," he said.
There was silence.
"Cath, how would you tell that I am only flirting with you?"
"I just know..."
"You are scared," he smirked.
"I ain't scared!" I retorted.
"Oh really? Let's try..." he attempted to kiss me again, but I covered my face. I was blushing. "Aha! You're scared!"
"I am not! I just don't know what to do!"
"I thought you are one tough chick. Fight me then..."
"Try me."
He held my shoulders and was about to gave me a smooch, but I raised my hand and gave him a slight slap.
Sonny released me and then he smiled. "You are still scared."
"You can't blame me."

"How long are you with you boyfriend now?" he asked.
And why the hell did he ask?
"5 years, Sonny."
"Quite long. How old are you?"
"22."
"Better keep the guy, I guess. The two of you have been together for a long time. Sayang naman kasi. As for me, I am scared of commitments. It isn't that I don't want to have someone with my life, but I am just scared of commitments." He sighed. "Are the two of you getting married soon, Cath?"
I laughed, "No. Sinabi ko lang noon na engaged kami, pero joke lang yun. Nagyayabang lang ako. I don't know if I will marry him."
He laughed really hard. I stared at him.
"Ok, maybe I should go back to the party. They might be looking for us."
He went out of the room.

Then it dawned to me. Why didn't I let him kiss me? I was thirsty for his lips, but I let it go away?

I went back to the party faking a smile. I faked a laugh. I faked everything. But one thing was sincere, I approached him when he was alone and said "Sorry about what I did."
"It's ok. Just kiss me again."
"Tsk!" and I left him in one corner of the hall.